Recently I got myself thinking about the quality of my dialogues and the conversations I have. I asked myself a few questions like: how many superficial conversations do I have daily? Until what extent am I avoiding deepening the conversations I have out of fear or simply because I am thinking there is no point in making an effort? Which are the conversations I am unable or unwilling to have? So all in all, am I actually having the conversations I wish to be having?
I got to thinking about this because I read the following statement from Susan Scott: “While no single conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a business, a marriage, or a life, any single conversation can.” She later on paraphrases David Whyte who said “the conversation is the relationship”. This helped me remember the real significance of the conversations I have in my life. I guess it is something I take for granted very often. Have you ever thought about this?
We can think about two distinct types of conversations, transactional and transformational. In most informal conversations we know exactly what we are talking about and have a clear idea of the goal or where we are headed with that dialogue. When the conversation is finished, we are the same person we were before, nothing has changed. This type of conversation is usually predictable and good at keeping things the way they were. We can call this type, transactional as it is in most cases, about a simple exchange of ideas or opinions.
On the other hand, transformational conversations tend to be deeper, reflective and insightful. They can lead to real changes, originate new insights, greater self-awareness and move us forward in a meaningful way. Some authors when referring to this type of conversation explain that usually we are not the same person we were before the conversation. Additionally, they say that going into these dialogues we do not really know what will happen and how we will come out from them.
Susan Scott strengthens the importance of having this last type of conversations, in our personal and professional life. She believes having “unreal” conversations has a cost, be it for the individual or the organization because they lead nowhere – they provoke no change, no growth.
So why are we not having more powerful conversations? It is very likely that we can get caught up in our fast moving pace of life, goal orientated and results driven world – and if we analyse the words coming out of our mouths, most of the time, we might realize how highly task oriented everything is. So is it that we really have no time to have meaningful conversations with our partners, children, employees, colleagues or friends?
Literature describes a few ingredients for successful transformational conversations or fierce conversations – meaningful conversations in general. You might notice some of these ingredients are referred to, time and time again. However it seems we tend to fail many times at the most basic core aspects of real conversations.
Have an intention but not an agenda. If you are planning to have a real conversation with someone, narrow the focus by selecting the topic. Go into the dialogue with an intention – even if it is simply just to get to know that person better. Having an intention means the conversation is purposeful. But do not define the flow or create a storyline of how you believe it should go. Having no agenda means to not seek predetermined outcomes. Rather go in to the conversation fully and let the conversations take its course.
Actively listen. To what extent are we listening compared to preparing our next response or comment? We all know how important active listening is, but how good are we at it? It is about more than hearing; it is also about providing positive reinforcement (feedback) by stating back to the other person what you understand the message is. It is about more than listening; it is about paying attention to both verbal and non-verbal and this can only happen when we are really there, in the dialogue. Michael Hyatt says “you are not learning when your mouth is open” so be aware of how much you are talking compared to listening to the other.
Do not underestimate the power of questions. Questions are very powerful. Galileo Galilei stated “you cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself”. Beforehand think through some possible questions you believe can help to deepen the topic. Go one step further by considering some follow-up questions to be able to dig deeper. Nevertheless use this “prep-work” as preparation, remember when you are in the conversation it is not simply about asking all the questions you have written down on your list – but having thought about some possible questions will make it easier when time comes.
Know how to deal with different perspectives. How do we deal with disagreement? How does it make us feel? How do you react when someone disagrees with you? Being able to discuss issues with people that have different or opposing beliefs, opinions or values can be a serious challenge. Furthermore we can only but gain by embracing disagreement. Disagreement needs to be allowed as it is in that moment or that space that most people have the opportunity to learn. We are not really learning when we are talking to others that agree with us, it is of course comfortable but the challenge lies in being able to rethink our perspectives and acknowledge the other person’s views. In these types of dialogues one needs to demonstrate they are willing to understand the other person’s point of view even if it will not, at that moment, change their own stance.
On the professional side, as a leader, we are expected less to have the answers to all questions and more to be able to utilize the collective potential of the people we work with in order to drive the people and business further. Leaders need to be able to have conversations that lead to change and bring forth the groups or the individuals’ best thinking.
Take one last moment to answer my final question: what is stopping you from having these conversations that allow you to develop inspirational teams, thoughtful children and even reform your closest relationships?
